Remembering Aunt Jan

Where do I began..

My Aunt Janice passed away on October 23 of 2022 (last year). My aunt was my closest relative outside of my mother, like a second mom or a close grandmother. Literally the best aunt to ever do it!

When I think about who I am as a woman and who I have always been at my core I know for certain my aunt had a huge role in who that is. I’m happy to tell readers that for me it’s not new information or a new revelation that came with her passing, this is something I came to realize early in adulthood and shared with her on multiple occasions. Since I was a small child I grew up looking at my aunt as this cool, independent, single lady with no children. In my childhood mind this was a lady that took care of herself, handled business, had a career she had been at forever, didn’t play around with anybody (what she said was what it was, no sugar coating), loved her family, loved God, had what she needed and most of what she wanted. I loved who she was. I was around a lot and I never saw my aunt sound bitter about anything in life, everything was always from a strong attitude, I didn’t see her (or my mom) have drama with other women or gossip about peoples lives & I heard a lot because I was always around listening when no one knew lol. I didn’t see my aunt going through difficulties with men (not that they didn’t happen but I didn’t know) I heard a lot of funny stories that led me to believe she was a woman that could do with or without men in her youth, as well as her telling me how she enjoyed her youth, many stories of the good and the bad. While spending a lot of quality time with my aunt I subconsciously liked these things I noticed about her. As a little girl you could say I looked at her as what we call ‘goals” now. My aunt and I were like 2 peas in a pod during my childhood. She was my aunt but also my friend. I was allowed to go to sleepovers with friends on occasion but from a very young age I’d ask to sleepover at aunt Janice house, I knew I’d have a great time with my aunt. She always had new things for us to do or new recipes to cook. I remember her getting a deep fryer and us making fried cheesecake with fresh strawberry topping long before it was on dessert menus at your favorite restaurants. Oh yes! We did upscale stuff like she crab soup and crab legs, we weren’t making pigs in a blanket!! She taught me how to eat crab legs and crabs. My aunts idea was to introduce me to many different taste so I would have a mature palate and it worked! I went any and everywhere with my aunt that she was going. Chiropractor, church, errands, doctor visits, shopping, nail shop, WORK! you name it. I was probably six years old having my own conversations and asking many questions with her doctors, someone providing a service, or her coworkers or friends. Hanging out with her, my mom and uncle made me mature as a kid. I was the youngest and only girl so I loved tagging along and being in the mix. My aunts nail guy who owns the shop and always did hers, does mine today and did my first set, mani and pedi now he’s like family to me. My first alignment at the chiropractor & first massage came while hanging out with my auntie too. I became very interested in self care tagging along as well as going through all her cabinets in the bathroom and reading everything lol!! I remember going to work with her and loving being there with her coworkers. They loved me and I’d ask for little jobs to do. I’d draw pictures of us (she taught me how to draw people pretty well) pictures that she saved and eventually scanned onto her computer and had forever. I can’t lie when we ran errands and went in stores she always got me something for no reason and typically would ask me where I wanted to eat or tell me what she was in the mood for and we went out to eat and talk. She loved my interest in animals even though she wasn’t an animal fan at all. She loved watching me play video games and she got so into them. My aunt had recordings of me as a kid and her giving me interviews of what I thought of things or how did I feel on my birthdays! It’s adorable now that I think about it. When I had anything I was good at my aunt would create me a little flyer and put some prices on it so I could make money. I gave her, my uncle and brother foot massages and made money, She did these things cultivating an independent and driven mindset. We thought I might end up being a physical therapist or veterinarian. We went to Cirque du Soleil a couple times as well as to see her favorite violinist, Eileen Ivers. We made my first email address, she showed me how the internet worked when it became a thing. I even remember when my first hamster died she came over to his funeral after work and then took me out to eat. I’ll never forget when we road past Smokey Bones.. His name was Smokey! She felt bad but struggled not to laugh. We laughed about it together years later when I was older. We got caught out in rain storms and ran out in the rain just screaming and playing because she knew I loved water. I heard my aunt talk about me like I was the apple of her eye and she would send me little emails of cute song videos, only my mom, uncle and her had my email because I was a kid. Having an older mature aunt that I loved being around made me a very old soul along with mentally growing up fast from other aspects of life. These things don’t even scratch the surface of memories from early childhood. What I love most right now is that my entire life my aunt was always reminding me of things we did and funny things that happened. I love that she loved remembering us OUTLOUD while she was alive and I think anyone that’s close to her would say the same, she loved to reminisce and tell a good old story or something funny. I’m sure just reading this small bit from my early childhood you can imagine what beautiful seeds were sown in my life by her. I realize as a child i was never timid or intimidated by someone’s age, race, social status, or position anywhere because I was made very sure of myself, I was very well rounded, loved and thought about deeply. This didn’t come only from my aunt but I will say the part I missed from a father my aunt ran laps around it (outside of the obvious things only a father should give). My mom and my aunt were my 1 and 2. In a room full of adults I could hold my own and make friends effortlessly at like 6. My moms friends loved me, everyone did or they acted like it very well. I had black, white, asian and Filipino adults that I met & was comfortable chatting with who were genuinely interested in me through my aunt. When I went to school I fit in and had a great time with the other kids but I knew I was more mature, my aunt always told me I was. I was very bored in school with people my age unless we were flat out goofing off and guess what… deep down nothing has changed, I’m a lot fun but an old soul in my generation. These things I am so grateful for because this is a major key to who I am, how I viewed myself, the world, life and people from a very young age. I felt I belong here in the world and I couldn’t wait to get older and live my life.

Fate would have it that many years later my mom and I would live with my aunt. At this point I was 12 or 13. I had already had a life time of fun memories with my aunt and now I’d be around her, up close everyday for the most critical years in my life. Don’t get me wrong, this wasn’t Pom Poms and cheering for me, I was a kid who left my school and my friends right when I finally had got comfortable somewhere! Yes, I was around love, family, and safe but it still wasn’t ideal for a while by any means. Mentally I thought I might be moving at any point in time but I sucked it up and lived, open to whatever was gonna be. It totaled 7 years of being there across the hall from my aunt. It would take forever to talk about those 7 years with her but can you imagine? age 12/13 to 20/21 Is quite a massive dynamic chunk of time. As time went on living there became more permanent feeling which was nice. “Our upstairs” lol!! We rarely bumped heads up there but when we did it was simple, short and I had a few mumbles back! Typically it was because I didn’t put things back like they should be or I was in the shower “too long” lol. When my Chris Brown phase came (which hasn’t ended) we loved him together, she would holler to my room, “Lecee ya boy gonna be on the award show later!!” And we had a good time watching him, watching old music videos, tv shows together like House & Monk & movies. I was getting older I liked hearing her stories about youth. I’m sure Aunt Jan heard a lot stuff in my high school years. Lord knows!! I can hear her now telling me, “Don’t get in trouble with your mama going to see your boyfriend now” .. me: “I’m not seeing him tonight I’m gonna see my bestie” Her: uh huh okay it ain’t no best friends that spend that much time together unless y’all gay LOL! My aunt liked to see the clothes and styles that were coming back and once I started putting on heels she really loved that, it reminded her of being young and the shoes that her arthritis and gout limited her from in her heel collection. I told a story at her wake of how I got my phone taken by my mom for doing something insane (I snuck out to see my boyfriend and got caught) but during that time my auntie didn’t want my little young love to suffer so she would sneak me her phone so i could text him in the evening and when I worked at the mall he would come see me up there. OMG it was like Romeo and Juliette of 2010 but my aunt didn’t wanna seem like a complete softy so she’d say “Alright now time to wrap it up!! Don’t get comfortable!!” I knew she was just trying to save face with me and act tough. It was so precious. I gave the details at her wake and told everyone how when my punishment was over, my boyfriend came to pick me up and my mom said wow He’s STILL around!??? Everyone got a kick out of it because aunt Jan made that possible. My aunt gave me my first car, I loved it. I’m so blessed to have had her a part of my life so closely. I went away to coast guard boot camp from that house as well as went to my flight attendant interview and training from that house. My aunt was always so proud of me even though I wasn’t some spotless teen or adult. I didn’t have to be. I didn’t have to be perfect.

Like a second mom, I wouldn’t be who I am today without her and I like who I am. My aunt is the person who I was randomly standing in her doorway of her room & she said “Lecee I could always see you as a great flight attendant”. A job I had never thought about and forgot existed. I remember her sitting in the chair smiling as if it was yesterday. Now that I look back it’s like she had this smile were she knew that she was giving me the key to my future. I applied for airlines the next day, Got hired on the spot at the first one, a regional airline and not even 6 months later ended up at my dream mainline company. I’m so grateful to have grown up with a mom and aunt that showed me be true to myself and do what I gotta do for me. With so much love you’d wonder how I ever wanted to move away and leave home but in reality the love is what made me strong, independent and most importantly free in mind and spirit. Like I said I was ready to live my life FOREVER and I did just that. I visited home over the years to see my mom and aunt, missed most holidays in the beginning and that hurt but I had to pay my dues. I was and have always been so blessed by my career, a career that Aunt Janice spoke into existence and like aunt Jan envisioned I was perfect for. My well rounded, can and will talk to anyone about anything, anywhere, confidence, leadership qualities, professionalism and respectful and upbeat disposition are all things that make me excel anywhere with people but especially in my role every time I go to work. All these are things that my aunt helped cultivate knowingly and unknowingly or showed by example. Thank you Auntie.. Priceless. As I got older and could share more and more, it was always interesting how much we had in common by surprise, that alone would take hours to write about. I went on to have a preemie son which my aunt had also had one but not many people knew. The little guy who would have been my first cousin lived for only a week at 3lbs I believe, at the hospital where black people frequented during that time could not properly take care of him to keep him alive. His birth was only a couple years apart from my moms birth. My mom was my grandmas surprise baby of the bunch and I was my moms baby of the bunch. You can see how closely connected the 3 of us were. In many ways my mom was like my aunts baby, 17 years apart which I know was a small piece of healing and purpose for my tough aunt who almost never spoke of her son. Times were very different back then, everyone wasn’t shouting and screaming out every woe in their life like we freely can today, especially black women. My aunt adored my son, she loved him exactly how she loved me and my heart aches that he wont experience that love from her for longer, it was everything.

The last year of my aunts life October 2021 – October 2022 was a dynamic one for me. My aunt was the first person I told I was divorcing that November 1st and unfortunately she wasn’t alive for it to become final. She told me to celebrate and that I did. (For the record my mom was overseas so she found out after my aunt). With giving my aunt that news there was no judgment, no disappointment, no added drama, just sincere care and confidence in me. She said “if you have decided this I already know it’s the right choice for you and your son and I’m proud of you.” I didn’t expect anything less from her really but it did feel good to hear. She knew me that well. She listened to the why and my new plans and ideas and later on She played a song from back in her day that she said was her song but now sounded like mine, she sang it and danced and we just laughed.. she was like my soul twin. (Song is inserted below). My aunt was so many things to so many people. She was the type to think & ACT. I remember moving back into my home and chatting with her one day while about to cook and realizing a certain pot was gone with my ex, I didn’t make a big deal and went on with cooking but 2 days later aunt Jan was on my door step with a giant box of Rachael Ray pots and pans with literally every size in a pretty teal blue that matched my house. That was my girl. My dining room table she gave me years ago I always loved it, my plant tree in my kitchen and some of the plants on it she gave me a while ago, my living room tv she had waiting for me when I went back home, countless things for my son and a puzzle she made him in his room. I can’t go anywhere without thinking of her. She was so excited and proud for me when I bought my first brand new suv for my birthday. She taught me how to take care of nice, new or old things. She would say “take care of what you have until you get what you want!!”

I am so grateful to God that I had my aunt even this long with her being the longest living liver transplant while she was alive, another amazing story about her. It’s like God let her see an ending in my life and a beautiful new beginning in my single life. She was so proud seeing me living my life this last year being the same young, stable and independent woman like nothing ever happened and doing it all but with a little twin that we all love so much. For most of the year she was her normal self but health things took a decline. God had already prepared me when it first began that this was the end. Everyone thought it’s just more hospital things she’ll shake but I felt it in my spirit and even told one of my homeboys. Nothing could prepare me for her actually being gone though. My aunt always told me I was the best mother and she loved how I love and treat my son. Everyone says that to me but I really appreciated it when she said it. Those last few weeks she’d tell me stuff when I came to see her. She had decided to come home to ride it out till the end which we knew would be short. I’ll never forget saying “Aunt Jan I’m gonna miss you so bad” and she started crying telling me don’t say that, and it was time and I told her I understood but I still wanted her to know my life will never be the same without her. I was so sad for me but happy for her that she would have no more pain, no more doctors and she would be in heaven with her baby boy. I don’t pretend to know what heaven is truly like but I know a mother in spirit or flesh will have to be in pure joy and bliss to be reunited with their child after so long. She said I made her proud always but she made me proud. She was my biggest blog supporter, calling me immediately after I wrote one. Aunt Janice made puzzles and framed them and after her passing I took a puzzle from her house that I call “Us” simply because it looks like a niece and aunt to me. I will share it below. I could never write enough about my auntie. I’m just so grateful to have had her. She lives on with me. I wasn’t gonna be silly enough to get up here and write every little thing I’ll miss about her and what she meant to me. I think its obvious my eyes would probably be swollen shut tomorrow and there’s entirely too much to miss and too much to write. It’s so beautiful to see how her love and my moms love shaped me. I was raised around two women who were passionate, mature, non traditional, free, strong and vocal. I am all those things and I got my love languages from them. If you’re wondering which one.. it’s all of ‘em! I love in every single love language because I was loved and raised with all of them equally, only if you deserve it though. Like my auntie I can love you hard and in a blink I’ll take it away forever like I never knew you *insert evil laugh* … like I said we were a lot alike, I didn’t say it was all sugar and spice Lol. I Love my auntie forever. The biggest loss I have ever had in my life in any way shape or form but with that loss I’m doing what we do. We hurt, feel it, process it, and keep right on pushing. I have another angel in heaven.. Until we all meet again I’ll think of you everyday until my clock stops.